I’d like to start off by apologizing because I’m going to be talking about my family jewels quite a bit in this review, or rather, my entire nether regions. It’s relevant. You see, the Performance Package 5.0 from MANSCAPED includes a variety of male grooming products for down under. We’ve already established I’m a hairy beast of a man, so I’d say I’m the right guy for the job here.

While I’ve never been one to let a full bush grow, unhindered and untamed, it’s been a while since I’ve shaved, well, everything. That sets the stage for the review, which is all about shaving, well, everything.

Not only does it include the tools to get the job done safely and comfortably, but also some body care products to make the experience a lot less irritating. For example, the ball aftershave lotion soothes your testicular skin after a trimming, which is truly quite pleasant. I also have a funny anecdote to share about the ball deodorant — yes, it’s deodorant for your nuts.

Like any other review, let’s not get ahead of ourselves and instead talk a little about this MANSCAPED package, what’s included, and why you should care. Grab a drink, a snack, sit yourself down somewhere cozy, and let’s begin. Maybe skip munching on peanuts for this one, though.

MANSCAPED The Performance Package 5.0: What trims?

As the name implies, MANSCAPED offers a wide variety of men’s grooming and care products, namely for trimming, cleaning, and making oneself presentable. From lotions and shampoos to full-on devices like hair or beard trimmers and groin-and-gooch-friendly tools. You can buy them separately, depending on what you need, or you can grab entire kits that have a complete collection. 

The Performance Package 5.0 is one such collection. It’s a comprehensive cleaning and trimming set. It comes with the Lawn Mower 5.0 Ultra, groin and body hair trimmers, Weed Whacker 2.0, ear and nose hair trimmers, Crop Soother aftershave lotion, Crop Preserver anti-chafing ball deodorant, disposable shaving mats, and a pair of performance boxers. It also comes with a sizeable toiletry bag, which I’ve used to store all the equipment in this collection, plus my Beard Hedger Pro gear.

If you don’t have any body hair trimmers whatsoever, this is the bundle you want to get. Have a head hair trimmer, but nothing else? Grab this. If you have any desire to trim your nose, ear, body, or ball hair, grab this. That should leave no questions and no uncertain terms.

I do want to point out, right here and now, that The Shed 2.0 toiletry bag they provide is very high-quality, has a ton of room inside, and is absolutely phenomenal for general storage and travel. I brought it with me on a couple of road trips, namely to visit family, and not only did it hold up well, but it also made packing all my gear super easy.

Side note, I’m sure everyone will appreciate the images focused on the products here and not my man bits.

Unpacking The Performance Package 5.0 supplies

Unboxing the kits from MANSCAPED is always a treat. The presentation is great. I love the quips, even if they are crude, and it’s enough fun to share — hence the video unboxing.

I have used a nose hair trimmer like the Weed Whacker’s design before, so I had some idea of what to expect. Getting all up in my nostrils and trimming out unwanted locks didn’t scare me. That was not the case with the Lawn Mower 5.0. I was absolutely nervous to try it out, begin rooting around and trimming down my nether mess, and, most importantly, I was worried it would snag some skin. Testicle skin is notoriously stretchy, loose, and easy to cut, and if you’ve ever used a razor down there, well, let’s just say some unfortunate things can happen.

After some time with it and building up some confidence, I’m now a pro. It’s the easiest and probably one of the most versatile trimmers I’ve ever owned, at least for body hair. It’s effective not just for your balls but other sensitive areas too, including armpits, arms, gooch, and similar crevices. Ladies, you might be happy to know it works for your parts, too.

The Crop Preserver and the Crop Soother are complete lifesavers, as well. They smell divine. They’re long-lasting. And the aftershave especially soothes shaving woes down under without any major surprises or painful shocks. It’s like gently resting your man marbles on a soothing cloud pillow with just the right temperature to cool them, and all without making you scream, and/or making them shrink in fright. It’s a pseudo air cradle for the balls. Needless to say, it feels wonderful.

That aside, here are my thoughts on the individual Performance Package 5.0 inclusions:

The Lawn Mower 5.0 Ultra groin and body hair trimmer

After my wife and I had two kids, I got clipped pretty much immediately after. Maybe this is well known, maybe it’s not, but that can leave some scar tissue and sometimes make your testicles more sensitive than they already are. I know, that’s a big information dump already, but the reason I’m sharing is that, for some, it can make shaving and handling your testicles a lot less pleasant. That’s why I’m happy to report The Lawn Mower 5.0 is ridiculously gentle.

It won’t snag your skin or hair. It cuts evenly and is easy to use and guide. Perhaps most importantly, you can use it in the shower, or out, wherever you prefer. It’s waterproof with an IPX7 rating. You can also use it with a pretty thick bush. I know because I have thick, wiry hair. Or, you can use it to finish off some peach fuzz. It comes with an attachment called the SkinSafe Foil Blade, which you can use to create a smooth finish after your initial trim. It all works quickly, as well, so you’re not shaving for hours on end.

The battery is awesome. It lasts for up to 60 minutes on a single charge, and it can quick-charge in a pinch, which is a big deal because it’s easy to forget to charge this little guy. It even has built-in “dual-temp” LEDs that illuminate the area you’re shaving. When you’re hunched over, crouching down, or trying to get into tough areas, trust me, that light makes a huge difference in visibility. I think most will agree it’s awkward either way. I could accurately describe one of my nut-shaving poses as The Gollum. But overall, this trimmer makes it much easier.

Another neat feature, which I appreciate immensely, is that it has a travel lock. When activated, this trimmer won’t turn on accidentally in your bag or luggage. That saves battery but also saves you from major embarrassment. It would be vibrating in your bag, and anyway, you get it.

Weed Whacker 2.0 ear and nose hair trimmer

The weirdest device in the bunch is the Weed Whacker 2.0. At the top is a round, nipple-like blade module that essentially cuts hairs without snagging on skin or cutting you. The idea is to slip it into your nostrils, or on the outer rims of your ears, to trim hairs protruding out.

The Weed Whacker is IPX7 waterproof-rated, too, so you can use it in the shower or tub, though it shouldn’t be submerged — it can go in up to one meter of fresh water for 30 minutes, but not sure why you would do that. You take the trimmer, stick it in the place you want to trim, and let it do its business. It works well. It won’t tangle or pull hair. In my experience, it won’t hurt you, either. And while it’s not a perfect science, I’d say it’s pretty damn reliable.

Battery life is about 45 minutes on a single charge. If you’re trimming nose or ear hairs for 45 minutes in a single session, you have some issues to take care of, I’d say.

Crop Soother ball aftershave lotion

This aftershave is a ball-saver. It’s testicle-friendly, soothing, cooling, and makes you ultra-happy, after a shave anyway. Where normally you’d run into red skin, razor burn and other problems, this lotion eliminates all that nonsense. You just squirt some into your hands, rub it in and go. It smells great, too. 

Crop Preserver anti-chafing ball deodorant

My favorite product out of the whole batch, this is proper deodorant for your sweaty, sensitive man gonads. It applies like lotion but smells remarkable. And this is where the funny anecdote comes into the equation. 

Several people remarked that I smelled great while wearing it. I didn’t have any cologne on, and I don’t wear scented deodorant, so what they were really smelling, when you get down to brass tacks, was my balls. They liked the smell of my balls. I just found it hilarious enough to share, and yes, I know, I need to grow up. But when someone tells you that you smell amazing and you know it’s the stuff you’re rubbing on your nuts — there are no words.

It works so well, and I would know, because I live in hot, humid Florida, where swamp ass is a huge problem. Everywhere sweats, including down under. This ball deodorant helps make things a bit more pleasant, cool, and dry.

MANSCAPED Performance Boxers 2.0

That model is not me. You don’t want to see me in these boxers. I’m not even sure I want to see myself. But they’re comfortable.

It’s a shame you only get one pair of boxers with the kit, but you can always grab more. They’re super soft, ultra lightweight and breathable, and they have the infamous “Jewel Pouch,” ball hammock, or built-in testicle holder — whichever name you prefer.

Think Shinesty or Sheath boxers, if you know what those are. They’re some of the most comfortable varieties you can sink your man marbles into. And after a shave, when you’re sensitive and prone to irritation, pulling them on is like dipping your underlayer into a soft, soothing bundle of cotton balls.

Magic Mat disposable shaving mats

My beard and body hair ends up all over the bathroom normally, so you better believe it’s even worse while shaving. My wife hates it and never lets me forget it. There are several methods you can use to contain the mess. Like shaving in the shower or the tub, using a vacuum when you’re done, sweeping it all into a bag, or shedding onto a rag or covering of some kind. That’s where the MANSCAPED Magic Mats come in handy.

It’s basically a newspaper and looks like a real, authentic newspaper with a ton of call-outs to man parts. Seriously, one of the headings is “WE SAVE BALLS,” in all caps just like that. 

You unfurl the paper and spread it out, shave atop it, and then clean it all up when you’re done. There’s not much more to say about them. They work, and they’re convenient, and it’s nice to have. I don’t know that I’ll restock when they’re gone, but any newspaper will do. Although, I’d venture to guess no other newspaper talks about the scrotum this much.

The Shed 2.0 toiletry bag

As I said above, I’m really impressed with this toiletry bag. It fits everything from the Performance Package and then some and makes for an excellent travel companion. It has a core zippered compartment, a side zippered pocket, inside, and several open pockets. You can put trimmer attachments, the charger, and charging cables in the side pockets and everything else in the main compartment. 

It’s sturdy. You can pack this thing full to the brim, and the zipper works reliably, and doesn’t seem like it will fail either. That’s always a plus. If you didn’t want to pack your MANSCAPED shaving tools, it can fit anything from shampoo and conditioner to deodorant, additional tools, hairbrushes, and beyond. My wife was impressed with it, as well.

A mean, clean-bearded machine

Shortly after everything arrived, I set aside some time to groom my body. It was in need. These performance tools made short work of the job and got me back to my smooth, mean, clean-bearded self.

While nothing in this kit expressly deals with beard grooming, I have another MANSCAPED kit just for that and I love it. If I had to choose between one or the other — Beard Hedger Pro Kit versus Performance Package 5.0 — I simply wouldn’t, I’d still get both. They are entirely different kits and meant for separate areas of your body. With them both, I can be a truly clean, presentable man, bearded or not. And that extends to all segments of my body, including face, back, legs, arms, groin, and beyond.

Knowing what I do about what I already own, I’m more inclined to try MANSCAPED’s other products, including head shavers, hair wash and conditioners, and its newest skin care kits with a full routine going on.

I’ve had a few months to use the kits that I own, and I’m more than happy with the reliability, performance, and comfort that all the products provided. From the super smooth and cozy boxers to the reliable nose and ear hair trimmer, Weed Whacker 2.0, it’s safe to say that MANSCAPED delivers.

What’s the verdict, and the price?

Going in with nothing in hand, I can understand seeing some of the prices of the MANSCAPED kits, even on sale, and feeling like they’re high. That’s especially true when compared to some of the cheap, generic, or even brand-name goods you can find on Amazon. But those are nothing like what MANSCAPED offers in quality, value, and usability.

The Performance Package 5.0 is $150 right now, on sale. You get two trimmers, some care products, a pair of super comfortable boxers, and a carrying bag. But that list grossly oversimplifies what’s included. And it certainly doesn’t factor in the experience you’ll have, if yours is anything like mine.

I would absolutely spring for MANSCAPED The Performance Package 5.0 again. Am I likely to stock up on more of MANSCAPED’s care products? Yes. I would recommend them to friends, family, and everyone else. And I will continue to laugh my ass off whenever someone compliments the awesome smell of the Crop Preserver ball deodorant.

One more time for good measure, because I’m like twelve years old at heart, ballsack.

• Recommended Buy: Yes. If you have balls. Or even if you don’t.
• For Who: Anyone who needs to trim or clean up body hair.
• Alternative: MANSCAPED The Platinum Package 5.0 Ultra
• MSRP: $258